Miraculous Beginnings

It was a month filled with the highest joys and deepest grief.

After 15 months of daily praying for another child (and miscarrying our babies the summer before), my husband and I found out that God gave us another baby!  Pure excitement, happiness, and laughter filled our house.

But a few weeks later, I had some alarming symptoms and went to the doctor.

There are two words you never want to hear when having an ultrasound: “No heartbeat.”  I think what my doctor actually said was, “I’m sorry, there is no cardiac pulsation to be found.”  The words seemed to shake the office walls, and they certainly shattered my heart.

“The LORD is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; and He knows those who trust in Him." Nahum 1:7 (NKJV).

We discussed the options and decided to go through the miscarriage naturally.  I set up several appointments with a nurse to monitor my progress, and I left, crying my way through the halls of the office, down the elevator, and out to the parking lot.

We mourned, and we prayed.  My husband prayed for God to breathe life back into our baby.  I agreed from the depths of my aching heart, but it took me a few days to be able to put words to my prayers.

I continued to have miscarriage symptoms for 10 days. In the midst of those symptoms, and more tests and appointments, I was also learning a lot.

I was learning to serve others in the midst of grief. I was learning to believe (cling to, trust in, rely on) the truth that God is with me, even when I didn’t feel His presence. I was learning that Jesus lightens grief through hope, peace, and truth. Satan makes it heavier with fear, accusation, and despair. I was learning to give thanks in all circumstances.

A week later, I went back to my doctor for another “monitor the miscarriage” appointment. Those are hard. My doctor explained what to expect on the ultrasound and why she wouldn’t allow me to watch at first. She was glad to hear that my miscarriage symptoms had stopped that morning, but she also mentioned that there may not be any “fetal tissue” left at all. She started the ultrasound. After a few seconds, a “wow” slipped off her lips and she turned the screen toward me.

God raises the dead! To the astonishment of the whole office, the image of a baby fluttered onto the ultrasound screen. Not just the body of my baby, but the image showed my baby with a beating heart—God raised our baby back to life!

I’m not sure what I did in that moment. I know the doctor watched that heartbeat from every angle for more than five minutes with me. I thought she was pretty generous with her time. I also thought she was trying to figure out what happened. Her conclusion? “That’s a miracle.” I just remember saying, “Praise the Lord” and “Thank You, Jesus” over and over again, as the tears flowed down my cheeks.

So we rejoice. With joy unspeakable. We give God all the glory. He is good, and the circumstances never changed His goodness.

And I say a thousand times, Praise the Lord! If you don’t yet know Jesus, please know this: He is the risen Lord. He breathed life into my baby, and He will breathe life into your heart too. He loves you, and He invites you to turn away from your sin and follow Him. I can tell you this: you and I both need Him. We all need Him.

“Oh give thanks to the LORD; call upon His name; make known His deeds among the peoples! Sing to Him, sing psalms to Him; talk of all His wondrous works! Glory in His holy name; let the hearts of those rejoice who seek the LORD." Psalm 105:1–3 (NKJV).

Strengthened Soul

"On the day I called, You answered me..."  Psalm 138:3a

If you're in the midst of a difficult season, illness, or marriage, you may read these words and breathe yet another prayer.  For help.  For healing.  For reconciliation.  For justice.  For God to just take the circumstance away.

In this particular Psalm, God answers in another way.

"On the day I called, You answered me; my strength of soul you increased."  Some translations read, "You made me bold in my soul with strength."

The flesh balks at this answer to prayer.  But faith embraces it.  The Psalmist, David, continues in verses 7-8:

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
You preserve my life;
You stretch out Your hand
against the wrath of my enemies,
and Your right hand delivers me.
The LORD will fulfill His purpose for me;
Your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of Your hands."

Suffering and trials can be part of His purposes to make us into the image of Christ, and His purpose will be fulfilled.  He always holds and controls the line on the amount of suffering we face.  As you face circumstances that you once thought you would never survive, recognize that He is strengthening your soul.  I have prayed this for you, dear reader, and for me.

May Jesus be glorified as the world sees the strength He gives your soul.

A Lesson at the Grocery Store

A young mom stood in line ahead of me at the grocery store.  Her two children were ready to go home for lunch, and she said she was ready to go, too.  She reached into her purse - first casually with one hand, then frantically with two hands.  She had left her wallet at home.

She looked up at the cashier and sighed, "I'm so sorry..."
She apologized at least ten times while putting the items back into the cart.  She then left her cart by the door, so she could go home for her wallet.

You might be wondering, why didn't anyone just offer to pay for her groceries?  The funny thing is - we all did.  One after another, the customers in line offered to pay for the young mom's modest assortment of groceries.  The cashier offered to pay the bill.  Even the store manager offered to let this mother (a regular customer, apparently) pay him for the groceries at her next trip to the store.

She refused us all.

I totally understood her decision.  I wouldn't want to take money from others unnecessarily.   If I took groceries on credit from a manager, I wouldn't be able to think or do much of anything until I got to go back to the store to pay.  Still, I was sorry that she wouldn't take any of the help that was offered to her.  She was determined to handle the situation on her own.

Her actions made me think about our actions toward the Lord.  He offers us infinitely more than we receive from Him each day.

Psalm 103:2-5 lists a few of His benefits, "Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."

It's not an exhaustive list, but just in these verses, God has offered so very much to us.

Forgiveness.
Healing.
Redemption.
A Crown of steadfast love and mercy.
Satisfaction.

We can walk away like the mom in the grocery store.  Better yet, we can humbly receive all the Lord gloriously offers.

God's Calling

A missionary woman named Gladys Alyward once said, "If God has called you to China or any other place and you are sure in your own heart, let nothing deter you...remember it is God who has called you and it is the same as when He called Moses or Samuel.

There is so much good in those words, but one phrase hit me like a ton of bricks:

"...it is the same as when He called Moses or Samuel."

I've heard and read many statements about being certain of God's calling and obeying it.  Of course, if God Himself calls you, you must go.  However, I never thought about it being the same as when He called Moses or Samuel.

Certainly, He has called me to go on certain mission trips, marry my husband, be involved in the church, stay home to raise my kids, and even write this blog.  His calling to me was almost as obvious as a burning bush saw or an audible voice.  Still, I have never thought about the great purpose God must have behind His call on my little life.

When I consider Moses and Samuel, I see how God's call on their lives was the first pebble in an avalanche of major historical events.  God had such plans and purpose behind His call.  How foolish of me to think that He would have no purpose behind His specific call on lives today!

The God of the universe has a plan.  Whether we see that plan or not, our privilege and responsibility is to respond in obedience to His call.

Cherries and Followers

Cherries.  The perfect snack on a warm summer morning.  I plunged my hand into the bag to pull out a handful...

Squish.

While the rest of my hand gripped the smooth, deep red fruit, my ring finger felt something wet and mushy.  A moldy cherry.  After taking out the rotten fruit, I inspected that corner of the bag.  Quickly, I found 3 more fuzzy cherries.

Moldy fruit always likes to hang out together, right?

We all know that the bag probably contained just one bad cherry to begin with, but that bad cherry affected the fruit immediately surrounding it.  So it is with our friends.  "Bad company ruins good morals" (1 Corinthians 15:33b).

On the flip side, there are people and examples that help us grow.  The Apostle Paul boldly stated, "Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ" (1 Corinthians 11:1).

I've noticed in myself a propensity to follow others.  I want follow and imitate those I admire.

Take a minute to consider who you are following.  Would you be fulfilling God's plan for your life if you became just like your church leaders, celebrity icon, and closest friends?

In all of the "following" I do as a Christian wife and mom, it is easy for me to desire many good things.  I'd love to dress like her, decorate like her, and have hair like her.  I want to look as young as her, have kids like hers, and cook like her.  Do things like this ever consume your mind?  They probably consume the minds and lives of those around you, too.

Most of these things seem harmless, but my bag of cherries helped me to see that I will be influenced by whatever is around me.  I will adopt the values, thoughts, and behaviors of others.

I began to evaluate the things I have been thinking about - how many of those "harmless" things fit into the category of "the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life" from 1 John 2:16?

I want to surround myself with women who love God's Word, study it, and obey it.  I want to keep close company with women that pray powerfully, respect their husbands, and raise children with wisdom and virtue.  I want to spend my days with women that think little of themselves and seek to show the grace and beauty of God.  Humble, loving women are the women I want to imitate because they are imitating Christ.

This may cause a shift in position.  I may need to move to another section of the cherry bag to keep from becoming what I ought not to become.  You may need to move, too.  May Jesus be honored as we seek to imitate Him.

When Friends Fail

My tears and turbulent thoughts were stilled by a simple phrase.

"A friend loves at all times..."  (Proverbs 17:17a)

Even now?

Friendships experience ebbs and flows.  They reach new heights as two people share common experiences, time, laughter, and conversation.  They can endure as circumstances create distance. They can deepen through hardship, honesty, and tears. They can be broken by unkindness, gossip, or betrayal.

Where are your friendships today?

Whether you find that your friendships are deep & enduring or weak & broken, know that friendship takes two parties.  You cannot create a good friend, but you can be a good friend.  What kind of a friend are you?

Will you choose to be a friend that loves at all times?

1 Corinthians 13 is a well-worn passage in my Bible.  I use it to consider my actions in any relationship.   Today, it is especially poignant when considering friendships.

"...Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things..."

Ouch.  There's always a word (or two or ten) that exposes a lack of love in my heart.  I pray that God makes me a friend that loves others at all times.

Parenting a 3-year-old

Whoever coined the phrase "terrible twos," must have been talking about their firstborn.  They hadn't gotten to age three yet.  In our house, age 2 was a breeze compared to age 3.  Age 2 is sweet, cute, and fairly compliant.  Age 3 is full of tantrums, whining, strong opinions, and outright defiance.

I've struggled with this.

My natural self wants to swell up with anger and just force obedience out of my 3-year-old.  Some days, I want to forget about smiling and laughing and just let the day be miserable for both of us.  The whiny, defiant child deserves that, right?

Wrong.

Before going to bed last night, I was confessing to the Lord all the ways I had fallen short that day.  It didn't take long for me to see that my own actions before God had mirrored my 3-year-old.  As the shame of that settled in, I wondered, "How do I expect God to respond?"

Forgiveness.  I expect Him to give me His Spirit to teach me how to walk in victory over my sin.  I expect a fresh start and new mercies.  I expect Him to give me the armor of God and to show me how to use it.

Doesn't my 3-year-old need the same from me?  Forgiveness.  Giving.  Teaching.  Victory.  Fresh start.  New mercies.  Showing him.

Yes.

This morning, 1 Samuel 12:23 was the confirming word.  It says, "Moreover, as for me, far be it from me that should sin again the LORD by ceasing to pray for you, and I will instruct you in the good and the right way."

I whispered these words as my 3-year-old played in front of me, encouraged in the parenting ahead of me today.

Thoughtful Christian

I recently re-read The Autobiography of George Muller, published by Whitaker House in 1985.

Words from the introduction have stuck with me, so I thought I'd share them here:

"The thoughtful Christian who reads any of the wonderful promises in Scripture often pauses to ask himself, 'What can these words mean?  Can it be that God has made these promises to me?  Do I really have permission to commit all my little concerns to a God of infinite wisdom, believing that He will take charge of them and direct them according to His boundless transcendent power which accomplishes what no other power can, overruling all other agencies and rendering them subservient to its own wonderful effectiveness?  If this is true, then why shouldn't I always draw near to God in full confidence that He will do as He has said?'"

Finding Life

So often, we look for life within ourselves.  We also seek to feel alive through pleasurable experiences.  It leaves us empty, feeling as though we are the only ones who did not succeed.

We have been given life.  We are meant to feel alive.  Why do we feel so dead?

We are disconnected from the vine - only hanging on by a thread.

"I am the vine; you are the branches.  Whoever abides in Me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing."  John 15:5

Did you know God wants to enjoy communion with you? 

Read until you hear from Him.

Pray until your soul finds peace with Him.

May God give you the faith to believe His promises.  May you again delight in Him. 

"For whoever finds me (wisdom) finds life and obtains favor from the Lord."  Proverbs 8:35 

We often see children rejoice over simple things - flowers, bugs, and airplanes.  How we long for the wonder of rejoicing!  Are our adult minds too mature for such rejoicing?  No!

"I rejoice at Your Word as one who finds great treasure."  Psalm 119:162

Go to the Word and prayer, not for the sake of doing your religious duty.  Go to meet with God. Come back transformed.  Know the refreshment and rest of your good shepherd and father.  Life is there.

John 14:6  "Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, the truth, and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through Me.'"

Hard Fought

"We'll fight for you, little girl."

My husband affectionately said this to our baby girl as she sat in front of me on the play mat.

I sighed, feeling the weight of that fight. 

Our precious girl appears to have suffered a vaccine injury 2 months ago, and it has been a battle to know how to move forward.  I have another major appointment tomorrow, so I spent the entire morning preparing my paperwork.

As my husband's words echoed in my head, I wondered how the appointment would go.  At the same time, I could almost hear God say to me, "I'll fight for you, little girl."

Immediately, my heart was comforted.  Joy and peace flooded my soul.

You see, only minutes after the positive pregnancy test more than a year ago, the Lord gave me Exodus 14:14 for that pregnancy - for this baby girl. "The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."

Thank You, Lord, for fighting for me.  For us.  For Your people.  My eyes are on You - trusting Your will and Your ways and Your Sovereignty at that appointment and always... by Your grace.

The Youngest Servant

"...let the greatest among you become as the youngest, and the leader as one who serves..."  Luke 22:26

Our flesh longs to be the greatest, doesn't it?  We want to exercise our authority, be admired, and be served.

Jesus shows and calls us to a different way.

As we follow Him, we find ourselves taking the simple tasks.

May we walk in the example of our Lord today as we wash bodies, train children, keep a home, and prepare meals.  We can do all these humble tasks and be walking in the very will of God.

What a joy and what a delight to be simply His youngest servant...a place of position, not age.

When "Me Time" Isn't Enough

Countless blogs and articles for young moms encourage us to take “me time.”  The message is clear: We can’t keep going without a break.  We need to cultivate our own interests and desires apart from our families.  At the very least, we need to take time away to pamper ourselves. 

Have you tried it?

Whenever I take “me time,” it’s never long enough.  And the house is never clean when I come home.  Shouldn’t “me time” come to its conclusion as I breeze into the house, greeted warmly by a happy husband, happy kids, clean pets, and clean house?  With no one needing anything?

That’s not how it goes.

If I stay home for “me time,” it is inevitably interrupted.  If I leave my home for “me time,” the time passes quickly, and I soon find myself heading home to clean the messes, meet the needs, and make the meal. 

Sure, it's nice while it lasts, but feelings of frustration and irritability often follow “me time.”  Am I the only one?  I believe God has given us a different pattern.  Stay with me...

When Jesus walked this earth in public ministry, He had tens and hundreds and even thousands of people constantly making demands of Him.  That's a lot more than I have.

Where did Jesus go to get refreshment?  Did He take “me time?” No.  He went away to pray.  

My flesh finds this repulsive.  All I want is a pedicure or a nap or some coffee.  And God wants to ask me to pray?  I don’t have one. more. ounce. to give.

Newsflash: Coming to God in prayer isn’t about what you bring.  It’s a child, coming to her Perfect Father, to receive.  

When I choose to pray, I discover that God is on my side.  Reflecting on Who He is and praising Him and making known to Him my confessions and needs…I come away equipped and rested, even if circumstances haven’t changed.

Today, when all we want to do is survive until "me time," the Lord beckons us to Himself.  There is no valid excuse for declining His invitation.

Isolation Orders

We came home from the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) more than 7 months ago.  And we have been home - only home - since then.  
 

At first, it was an absolute delight and relief to be home.  No more trips to the hospital.  No more separated family.  

It was also a little scary.  Our baby girl was still having “spells,” where her heart would stop beating and she would stop breathing.  We would watch her oxygen levels drop on her monitor.  She would have to be stimulated to be revived.  Someone described it as being like SIDS but assured us that she would outgrow it…eventually.  Between the hospital and home, she had 14 of these episodes.  Fourteen times, the seconds seemed like hours as we helped her start breathing again, wondering if this "spell" would cause brain damage or be the time we would have to say goodbye.  I still have flashbacks and other symptoms of PTSD because of it.  I’m learning to handle beeping noises better now.  

At the beginning, I was happy to have the isolation orders.  Our girl weighed only 4 pounds when we brought her home and required around-the-clock care.  She had trouble nursing, so I was exclusively pumping for her, too.  There was no time to think about having visitors, much less going out.

As she grew and started to give me more sleep, I started to think about venturing out.  I thought Christmas would be our first outing – the Christmas Eve service at church and the family Christmas party.  Nope.  I thought we would be released in time to go out to dinner for my birthday.  Nope.  I thought Easter Sunday might be our first time at church.  Nope.  And now I’m hoping that Husband’s birthday will be the day.

If you’ve ever been confined to your home, even just because you or your child has the flu, you know how real “cabin fever” is.    After having our isolation orders extended so many times, I began to wonder if God had something He wanted to teach me.  Isolation orders may be restrictive, but they do not give me permission to waste my time.  I asked Him to show me how He wanted to use this time.

I began to consider whether there were other examples of isolation in the Bible and thought of Paul being placed under house arrest.

I considered Paul’s example – what did he do while he was under house arrest or imprisoned?  He wrote letters.  He wrote letters to the churches, and many of these letters make up the New Testament today.   

I wonder if Paul knew that the words he was writing were to be read by generations thousands of years after him.   Did he just hope the letters would reach their destination?  I wonder if he wished he could be out ministering to these churches in person, instead of writing from home.  Did he get cabin fever?  Maybe he knew that the letters were inspired by God and serving a greater purpose.  Maybe he didn't.  Whatever Paul may having been thinking, I’m glad he wrote those letters.  I’m glad God put him in the circumstances that brought about those letters.  

While thinking on all of this, I began to believe that God wanted me to use my time, especially while under orders for isolation, to write.  I know my words are not inspired or of any sort like Paul’s, but the isolation orders have led to some journaling, some notes to friends, and this blog.

The hilarious (and slightly embarrassing) part is that no one knows this blog exists.  My husband knows all that the Lord has impressed on my heart and even helped me come up with the blog name, but he doesn’t know it’s here yet.  I’ve never written for the public eye, and I’ve even burned a few journals, not because of their content but because I feel so vulnerable when others read my writing.

This is certainly an act of obedience and something I am doing for my Lord.  If we decide to share this blog someday, I pray that you would grow to know and love Jesus because of it.

Necessary.

One thing is necessary.

At times, I have 15 tasks on my To Do List, and I feel that all of them are necessary.  Anxiety and emotions arise when there is only time to complete 2-3 of those tasks.   Ever felt the same?

Yesterday was one of those days, and Jesus allowed me to read Luke 10:42.  There He states that only one thing is necessary.  Really, one thing?  Well, I took Him at His Word, quieted my heart, listened to Him by reading His Word, and went on with His plans for my day.  Notice that I said “His plans,” not “my plans.”

What a transformation! My grumpy attitude was traded for His joy.  My anxiety was exchanged for His steady peace.  My selfishness was overcome by His love.   The tasks that He has for me were a delight and privilege.

Yes, ONE THING is necessary.

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” Romans 12:2

18 Ways to Help a NICU Family

Do you know someone with a baby in the NICU?  Maybe you’ve been there yourself.  Here are 18 ways to offer help to a NICU Family:

1.  Giftcards.  If you know where the family lives and what hospital they are in, pick up giftcards for any restaurant or fast food in between.  They will often forget to eat or need to pick up food on the go.  Coffee or smoothie places are great, too.

2.  Gas card.  Pay for a few days’ worth of trips to and from the hospital.  Someone is likely taking time off of work.  Medical expenses are piling up.  And the family is filling up their gas tank much more often than normal.

3.  Baby Blanket.  Extra points if you have the baby’s name embroidered on it.  Isolates in the NICU are often covered by a blanket, and a personalized blanket is a special way to “decorate” the baby’s temporary home.

4.  Preemie clothes.  With snaps, not zippers.   If the NICU baby was born prematurely, the family may not have any baby clothes that fit.  When a preemie baby is allowed to wear clothing, footed pajamas with snaps allow easy access to wires and monitors.

5.  Scripture.  Is there a particular Bible verse that you are praying for the family?  Or a verse that you think will encourage them?  Text it or send it in a note!  Be sure to write out the passage and not just the reference.

6.  Pray.  Occasionally text and ask how to pray at that moment.  The NICU can be a roller coaster of ever-changing needs and prayer requests.

7.  Check their registry and deliver items to their door.  Many NICU families never had a baby shower.

8.  Journal or planner.  Attach a good pen.  Every NICU family needs one to keep track of the medical notes.

9.  Offer rides to and from the hospital, and be available for last minute calls.  This is especially helpful if you live close to the hospital or to the family’s home.  NICU moms that have had c-sections cannot drive themselves.

10.  Family photos.  Offer to take or pay for them! Many NICU families lost the opportunity for maternity photos.

11.  Make lactation cookies and deliver with Mother’s Milk tea.  Many NICU moms pump breastmilk for their babies.  Find a recipe on Pinterest, bake, and deliver with a list of the ingredients.

12.  Deliver a bag of healthy snacks to their house (granola bars, fruit, washed and cut veggies, etc.).

13.  Mason jar for the car.  Leave this by their door with a small pad of paper, a pen, and an explanation.  It’s a good way to store memories that would otherwise be forgotten.  As they ride in the car, they can scribble notes of their “good moments” and shove them in this jar.  The baby’s blood pressure cuff and tags can also go in the jar when they leave the hospital.  

14.  Don’t ask what they need.  Just pick something and drop it off.  They won’t know “what they need” for a long time because they need so very much.

15.  Free babysitting. If they have other children, encourage them that their arrangements for the other children are great.  Offer free babysitting, if needed.

16.  Sit outside the hospital and pray.  Let the family know you’re there.   Also let them know you don’t need to see them.

17.  Ask before you hug.  NICU sanitation rules are important.

18.  Assume that it will be a long time before you meet the baby.  Express that you are patient and excited.

What other ways could you help a NICU family?

An Open Hand

Many times a day, I extend my arm behind me, fingers outstretched, waiting for a little hand to grab mine.  I grip that little hand tightly - keeping my child close - as we walk across a street, through a parking lot, or around a store.

I keep a tight fist around many other things, too.  Things I want to protect.  Things I call my own.

It is easy to open our hands to receive a gift…a life, a relationship, time, money, desires.  But once we have a gift, can we hold it with open hands?  Do we believe that God Himself will supply our needs, even if the gift goes?

“Therefore I command you, ‘You shall open wide your hand to your brother, to the needy and to the poor, in your land.’” Deuteronomy 15:11b

Have you ever watched a little boy catch a lady bug?  He holds it with a clenched fist and bright eyes – thrilled by his new find.  If he’s caught a lady bug before, it takes some coaxing to get him to open his fist.  He knows that he may only have a moment to examine the red and black insect before it flies away.

There always comes a time to open our hands.

Whether it’s time, money, even just a shower in the morning… 

 “Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, When it is in the power of your hand to do so.” Proverbs 3:27

Particularly in this season of mothering young children, there is a temptation for the mother to keep a tight grip on her body, her sleep, her “me time,” her morning shower or tea.  The Lord gently opens my fingers and shows me the blessing of keeping a loose grip on these gifts, for the sake of another.

Whatever season you are in, open your hand.  You’ll see the blessing of obedience and the goodness of God’s sovereignty as He allows those gifts to come and go.